People of Earth:
I am Jerry, representative of an advanced alien species that has come to enslave the human race and strip your planet of its meager resources leaving behind a decimated wasteland of human despair and suffering. If you do not do as we say, we will squash you like the helpless insects you are. Assuming your mayonnaise doesn’t kill us first. Seriously. Do you know what this stuff is? Egg yolks beaten with oil and vinegar. Does this sound even remotely healthy to anyone? If you leave it out too long, it forms a crust. A crust? What is that? Something isn’t right about a food that creates a protective barrier around itself. Nacho cheese sauce. Instant pudding. Should we really trust these foods? What are they hiding?
But that’s not important.
What is important is that your military forces are no match for us. With almost no effort we have rendered your entire species utterly impotent. Your global defense systems have been hopelessly incapacitated by our superior alien technology. And somehow we still can’t open those little soy packets you get with Chinese takeout. Is there some kind of trick we’re not getting? What are these things made of? Weapons-grade titanium? Kryptonite? This stuff is harder to get into than an 18th century Russian novel. So let me get this straight, you guard your soy sauce like a military secret, but you’ll make us take home Kung Pao chicken in paper box with a glorified paperclip for a handle? Who thought this was a good idea. Show of hands, who doesn’t have an egg foo yung stain on the passenger seat of their car?
Don’t answer that.
Your global defense systems have been hopelessly incapacitated by our superior alien technology. And somehow we still can’t open those little soy packets you get with Chinese takeout.
My point is, you must abandon all hope of overthrowing us. Even now we live amongst you, disguised as your mothers and fathers, your friends and coworkers. Every move you make is monitored. Our keen alien senses are attuned to your every thought. Any attempt to form a rag-tag band of survivors that becomes the last hope of survival for humanity will be detected and crushed immediately. And honestly, what 7-11 are these screenwriters shopping at anyway? Have you ever seen an ex-Navy Seal, an Asian gang leader, two lesbian swimsuit models, and a NASA scientist waiting in line together at the convenience store? But somehow these are the only people who run out of milk on the brink of the alien apocalypse? It’s never just Irv from accounting and some pervert buying a girlie magazine? Really?
Any attempt to form a rag-tag band of survivors that becomes the last hope of survival for humanity will be detected and crushed immediately. And honestly, what 7-11 are these screenwriters shopping at anyway?
What I’m trying to say is we are eminently powerful. We have technology at our disposal that your feeble human minds cannot begin to comprehend. Yet even we can’t figure out how to set the clock on your microwaves. It’s unbelievable. You’ve learned how to cook a meal by using magnetic waves to manipulate food particles at a sub-atomic level, but one power outage and you’re clocks are set to noon for eternity. You’ve spent billions of dollars to engineer trays that keep the crust on your microwave pizzas from getting soggy, but you’ve never thought of a battery backup for the clock?
Don’t get me started.
We have studied your species for millions of years. We’ve watched you evolve from an inferior blob of cellular goo into the weak, quivering sacks of flesh you are today. We understand you better than you understand even yourselves. But seriously folks, what’s the deal with mayo?
Is it just me? Maybe it’s just me.