Posts by M.C. Cronin

Walk on Water

Posted on August 26, 2017

The boy and the man—the boy’s stepfather—came every year when the ice was thick enough to hold them. “Let’s walk on water,” the man would say. And he’d grin at his own joke and reach out and give the boy’s hair a tousle. And the boy would roll his eyes and resist, but he would smile, too. It was usually January. The owner of the fish house rental knew them. He was a barrel of a man with chapped cheeks and a purple, cratered nose carved from the wine-soaked end of a cork. A white mesh cap with a yellow band of sweat squeezed his head. Red letters screamed BIG MIKE’S FISHIN’ SERVICE, LAKE MILLE LACS, MN across the front. “Got you a twelve-by…

Swede Hollow Cafe in St. Paul, MN

Posted on July 27, 2017

A large brass bell hangs from a leather strap at the top of the front door. Tacked behind it with clear packing tape is a pocket pack of tissue. It’s a ridiculously simple contraption. When you open the door the bell swings and smacks the tissue, ringing out a muffled ding and announcing your arrival at someone’s idea of the perfect decibel level. But there’s as much need for a bell on the front door here as there is on the front door of Grand Central Station. Wooden tables nestled along the perimeter are jammed with patrons hunched over newspapers blowing steam off the top of their coffee or huddled into groups of twos and fours catching up on neighborhood gossip. Also, the place is small.…

Jerry Seinfeld is the Harbinger of the Alien Apocalypse

Posted on June 27, 2017

People of Earth: I am Jerry, representative of an advanced alien species that has come to enslave the human race and strip your planet of its meager resources leaving behind a decimated wasteland of human despair and suffering. If you do not do as we say, we will squash you like the helpless insects you are. Assuming your mayonnaise doesn’t kill us first. Seriously. Do you know what this stuff is? Egg yolks beaten with oil and vinegar. Does this sound even remotely healthy to anyone? If you leave it out too long, it forms a crust. A crust? What is that? Something isn’t right about a food that creates a protective barrier around itself. Nacho cheese sauce. Instant pudding. Should we really trust…